Webster's Is My Bitch

Drama Queen (Noun) An overly dramatic person; someone who turns something unimportant into a major fucking deal.

Kelsey Grammar, whose spokesmen revealed seven weeks ago that he suffered from a mild heart-attack while vacationing in Bermuda, told "Entertainment Tonight" that the heart attack wasn't at all mild and that, in fact, it almost killed him. 

"They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he told the news program in an interview to be aired on Thursday evening.

"I did think: 'Oh gosh, I have got to hang on. I've got too much junk I've got to take care of. I've got to take care of the family."'

Grammar, who stars in Swing Vote, alongside Kevin Costner, which opens next month, says that he was suffering from stress, which may have contributed to his near-death experience, after his sitcom, "Back to You," was canceled last year. 

"Obviously you play the hand you're dealt, and it has been a very interesting hand lately; it has been tough," he said. (Source)

Poor Kelsey. It really does have to be tough for the guy. The paltry royalties from two of the most successful (and re-ran) television sitcoms in history he probably has to subsist on. The heart attack was probably because of all the fast-food he was forced to eat because he couldn't afford anything else but the dollar menu at McDs and Ramen Noodles, which he had to eat in Bermuda. With his wife. In a hotel room that costs more per night than most of us make in a year.

Poor bastard. No wonder he had a massive heart attack, so massive in fact that seven weeks later he's shoveling shit and doing press tours for his upcoming movie. You gotta make a living, I suppose.

Wrong: (Adverb) In an unsuitable or undesirable manner or direction.

What. The fuck.

Seriously now. There is so much going on in this picture that disturbs me, I'm almost at a loss. First of all, why are three adolescent boys who are allegedly A) straight, B) virgins and C) brothers draped on each other like it's the cover of a fucking spank mag? I mean, the one on the left is literally in the process of seductively ripping off the shirt of the one in the middle, while the one in the middle is holding onto the tie of the one on the right like it's a leash. Kinky.

Second of all, what are a bunch of Grade A Turds like the Jonas Brothers doing on the cover of Rolling Stone in the first place? I understand that Rolling Stone is hardly the bastion of pop culture relevancy these days, but it's like they've just completely given up at this point. Death row inmates in Texas are less resigned than this.

More of the Jonas Bromos hanging out with Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Gah:

Jessica Simpson lets us fill in the blanks with her new album title. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney Spears does a little bonding with her sons the old fashioned way: over the rich, smooth taste of tobacco. (Yeeeah!)

No one is surprised that Matthew Broderick would cheat on Sarah Jessica. (The Blemish)

Oh, STFU Sienna Miller. If you don't want your tits all over the internet, don't go prancing around naked in public. That's advice anyone can follow, by the way, not just celebrities. (Celebitchy)

Pimp Juice (the official beverage of pimps everywhere) makes its way over to Europe. Finally. (Agent Bedhead)

Kim Kardashian moves a rung down the reality TV ladder. Or perhaps up, depending how you look at it. (Celebslam)

As far as Mariah Carey is concerned, the late 90's will live forever. (Socialite'sLife)

Miley Cyrus won't stop her fucking yapping about Vanity Fair. Yuh-awn. (CelebWarship)

Inquiring minds want to know: where's the strangest place you've ever made whoopie? (Pajiba)

Picture of Health: (Phrase) Used to describe someone who embodies overall wellness and good health.

Hey now! It looks like Amy Winehouse finally decided to follow the advice of her doctors, family, managers, fans and pretty much anyone with an opinion; and clean herself up. She looks positively radiant, doesn't she?

Yes?

Well, look again, because that? Is a wax statue. How much of a complete an utter fuck up does someone have to be for an inanimate hunk of wax to look more lively and vivacious than the living, breathing version? Of course, that's not really saying much because a small child could draw a picture of Amy Winehouse in crayon on the back of a Friendly's menu and even that would look better than the real one.

Amy's parent's proudly showing off the daughter they always wanted:

Panties (Noun) Despite what "panties" represent (a woman's underwear), it remains one of the most unpleasant words in the English language to your ear, second only to "moist." And though the idea that Eva Mendes' panties are moist may be appealing, it's generally thought to be the least sexiest thing you could utter aloud.

*Throat Clear*

Moist Panties.

Uncomfortable: (Adjective) Causing or feeling unease or awkwardnes.

Hate running on the treadmill? Well, at 24 Hour Fitness, a fully-suited Derek Jeter will actually skulk around behind you while you're running on the treadmill. Once you've been leered at by Jeter, you'll never look at running on the treadmill the same way ever again!

Warning: Having Derek Jeter skulk around behind you on the treadmill may cause side effects such as anxiety or the heebie-jeebies. 24 Hour Fitness not responsible for any Jeter-related panic attacks or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Emphatic (Adjective) Uttered, or to be uttered, with emphasis; strongly expressive. 

I dunno, folks. Somehow, singing, "I got something to say, I killed your mother today," just doesn't carry the same emphatic weight when you're wearing a plain grey T-shirt (American Eagle?), a slight non-alcoholic beer belly, and plaid fucking shorts.

So sad, isn't it? All our heroes either die or become fathers.

Duuuuude: (Slang) Universal term used commonly by surfers and stoners.

Matthew McConaughey got himself all gussied up with a shirt and everything to debut his McConaughspawn, Levi to the world via OK! Magazine.

"We found a great rhythm," Matthew tells OK! about the delivery of baby Levi. "Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."

Well, that would probably explain why Levi looks like he's saying, "Duuuude man, can a brother get a pass on that spliffy?" All in good time, Levi. All in good time. But right now, he's going to have to wait for his lungs to completely form. In the meantime the little fella will just have to settle for a regular old contact high.

Glamourize (Verb) to glorify or romanticize; to make glamourous.

In an effort to continue looking like a respectable magazine (ha!) while also dabbling in issue-selling celebrity gossip, It looks like Newsweek has decided it have its cake and choke on it, too. Instead of discussing the Jamie Lynn Spears' story directly, this week they decided to interview the editor of OK! Magazine about Jamie Lynn Spears, after the recent OK! cover they reportededly paid $1 million to get. In the interview, OK!'s editor even suggests that publishing a photo of a 17-year-old girl with a baby and the pull quote, "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world," didn't glamourize teen pregnancy.

No, no: Not at all. I mean: Getting $1 million to appear on a magazine cover with your baby and not even have to get married? And, no doubt, have your parents and paid employees take care of your baby while you go out and try to make another one? No, no, that's not glamourous at all.

Here's an idea, OK! Magazine: In order to balance the damage you've done here, why not run the story about a Pittsburgh woman, so obsessed with having her own baby, that she sliced open a teenagers belly and took one. The girl's "decomposing body, with her wrists and ankles bound by duct tape and layers of tape and plastic covering much of her head, was found Friday" in an apartment. How's that for glamourization?  

I'm just saying.    

Pity the Fool: (Catchphrase) Mr. T's famous line originating from the film Rocky III.

Uhhh, sure thing there, T. You can pity me all you want -- but last time I checked, I wasn't the one with bandoliers made of Snickers bars strapped to my person.

Side note, what do you think about the viscosity of chocolate in relation to the body temperature of a huge, hulking, sweating man? Mmm... Body fondue.

Another job well done, Snickers marketing department!

The Pajiba 10 is up, folks. The 10 Sexiest Humans Alive. At least in our universe. (Pajiba)

Nooooo! Estelle Getty has passed. Thank you for being a friend. I mean. You know. Not actually my friend. But ... it's part of the song, see .. oh fuck it. Rest in peace. (Celebrity Smack)

God James Blunt. A good friend would tell someone when their top is missing! (Yeeeah!)

Frances Bean interning at Rolling Stone? She's 16! And she's not Cameron Crowe. The mag's really gone downhill. (The Blemish)

Absolut Vodka will turn you into Kayne West? And here I always thought any brand of vodka would turn you into a loudmouthed blowhard. (Celebitchy)

Alfonse Ribeiro in the news for not making the news. (Seriously? OMG!)

If you're a dirt-bike riding preacher who crashes into pews, well, you're doing it wrong. (BWE)

I think once you amass 89 movie credits, you're allowed to be a dick. Right Sean Connery? (Celebslam)

Sanctimonious: (Adjective) Making a show of being morally superior to other people.

"View" co-host Sherri Shepherd, most famous for hits such as "The Earth is Flat" and "Ancient Greeks Persecuted Jesus," has revealed in a candid interview that before she became the dumbest person ever to have a nationally televised forum, she passed the time keeping her local abortion clinics in business.

At the time, the stand-up comic was "in a very physically abusive relationship," she said. "I was sleeping with a lot of guys and had more abortions than I would like to count."

She said her self-esteem became so low, "I felt if someone killed me, it wouldn't even make a difference." But after converting to Christianity, she said, "God showed me that it would make a difference." (Source)

Well, you know, she has a point: God has special plans for all his creatures. Of course, his plans for Sherri Shepherd might be just slightly different then from someone who didn't kill more babies then the Bubonic Plague.

Asshatical (Adjective) A word used to describe something' particularly unpleasant, bitter, unnecessarily cruel, or just plain stupid.

Ever wondered what Natalie Portman saw in Devendra Banhart besides supreme toolness? Well, maybe Devendra's latest asshatical music video can answer your questions. Apparently, she likes unfunny Bollywood spoofs starring herself and extremely shitty music performed by her boyfriend. Everything about this video is embarassing. If Natalie was hoping to drive a stake in the heart of her movie career, I couldn't think of a better way to do it.

Seriously now, has science completely ruled out the possibility that these two are actually blood relation? That would explain a fucking lot.

Vomit: (Verb) Eject matter from the stomach through the mouth.

Since we now know politics is out of the fucking question -- Brooke Hogan thinking of setting the bar to a comfortable level for her next career move: Playboy model!

A VH1 insider said: “Playboy has asked her to consider doing the cover, or at least a photo shoot. “Every year the magazine features the girls of the WWE, but this would be Hulk Hogan’s daughter - it would be the ultimate!” (Source)

So are we all in agreement, then? That Hugh Hefner is senile to the point that he's lost his fucking mind? He must be full blown shitting in diapers by now. This issue has the potential to rival only the Mama Cass debacle of '68 in lowest number of copies ever sold. Yep, I hear after that, old Hef never touched LSD again.

Brooke hulking around some poor unsuspecting swimming pool last week:

The Late Shift (Expression) Refers to the political wrangling involved in the late-night talk show wars, originating from a book from the same title about the 1992 late night wars after Johnny Carson retired. 

So, the late shift is heating up again. NBC announced yesterday that Jay Leno's last night on the air will be May 29th, 2009, while Conan O'Brien will take over the "Tonight Show" on June 1st. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will take over for Conan O'Brien in March or April of 2009, though he'll start airing 10 minute episodes online several months ahead of his airdate. Additionally, Leno has already indicated that he won't be retiring, and that either ABC or FOX will get a crack at signing him up for their 11:30 spot. Because FOX stations go off the air at 10 p.m., ABC will likely "win" the services of Leno, which will push Jimmy Kimmel back a half hour, probably result in the cancellation of "Nightline" and set up one helluva shitstorm at the 11:30 time slot between O'Brien, Leno, Letterman, and Colbert, not to mention the "war" between Fallon, Kimmel, and Craig Ferguson, which will likely see Fallon as an early casualty.

And the winner? Probably Jon Stewart. At 11 p.m. he doesn't face any competition from the moves. Plus, O'Brien and Leno will probably split their audience while Letterman rises to the top, ratings-wise, which will set up Jon Stewart perfectly for taking over "The Late Show" in 2018. Not that he's up for it, but I think everyone knows that Stewart will, eventually, take over for Dave, after Dave keels over (he'll never retire, nor should he). It's the natural progression of things -- Stewart is obviously the heir apparent, if not in name, then in spirit.

And, after 12 years of the Empire Strikes Back in the late night wars, with the evil Leno winning the race, good will finally come out on top in the form of Jon Stewart, which was prophecied in 1995, after Jon Stewart's MTV talk show was cancelled.