Webster's Is My Bitch

Marley & Me is still beating the dogcrap out of Benjamin Button. (Pajiba)

NO. Again, Amy Winehouse, with the topless beach photos? SIGH. (The Blemish)

Guess what asinine names Rebecca Romjin and Jerry O'Connel picked out for their newborn twin girls? (Seriously? OMG!)

As much as I loathe John Travolta and the shammy religion he subscribes to; what happened this weekend is about as sad as it gets around here. (CelebSmack)

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got all "Domestic Disturbance" with it on New Year's Eve. (Yeeeah!)

Wanna hear about Verne Troyer's sex life? No? Well here it is, anyway. (Celebitchy)

Paula Abdul might get her own talk show, lovingly filling in the gap on "The Soup" that Tony Danza's show left long ago. (Celebslam)

Claiming that Pete Wentz is hot is an offense punishable by a severe pointing and laughing at. (Agent Bedhead)

I don't know who Veronica Hugo is, but she fills out a latex suit very nicely, I'll give her that. (usemycomputer)

Check out who's fat and gross according to the National Enquirer. (popbytes)

Miley Cyrus and Underwear Boy go on a double date with Daddy and God like they're not consummating the shit out of that illegal relationship. (Lainey Goss)

The "big stars" at Pure nightclub for NYE were decidedly sad sack. (IBBB)

Cuteness: (Noun) The state of being overwhelmingly cute.

It's kind of a slow news day, so here are gratuitously adorable photos of John Stewart and his son Nathan at a Knicks game last night. really. How ridiculously cute are these pictures? If somebody could bottle and sell cute, I bet "Jon Stewart and Son At Basketball Game" would even outsell even the "Dogs Dreaming" and "Baby Panda Bear" flavors.

Oops: (Exclamation) Used to show recognition of a mistake or minor accident.

Last week rumors surfaced that Britney Spears is now dating Indian choreographer/dancer, Sandip Soparrkar. Just when I finally learned how to spell "Adnan Ghalib," too. Only problem is, it turns out Sandip kind of already has a girlfriend.

Soparrkar's model girlfriend says, "Britney did come over to India and she and Sandip went away for a few days, but it was purely professional. They were busy rehearsing. I really do wish she'd just leave us alone now." (Source)

Yeah, good luck with that, lady. I'm sure Shar Jackson said the same thing when people started coming up to asking, "Uhh, isn't that, like, the father of your children gallivanting on a beach with Britney Spears on the cover of The National Enquirer? She was probably like, "No, it's cool. They just work together."

Homewrecker Delight performing on "Good Morning America" a few weeks ago:

Copycat: (Noun) use) A person who copies another's behavior, dress, or ideas.

Jennifer Aniston spent her New Year's in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico with Courntey Cox and John Mayer. Speaking of "Rock of Love,"maybe if Jennifer Aniston watched something on television other than "Friends" reruns she might have known that that look was kind of already taken. So, hey Jennifer! Rodeo from "Rock of Love" called! Yeah, she made some kind of unintelligible noises into the phone followed by this horrible braying laugh. Good thing she didn't ask for her look back or anything.

Awesome: (Adjective) Extremely good; totally excellent.

The "Rock of Love: Charm School" reunion aired last night and it was everything I thought it could be and more. Well, maybe not "and more" because I would have liked a little more footage of the actual fisticuffs, to be honest. First of all, when news came in of a physical altercation between Sharon Osbourne and Megan, nobody said that Megan was going to be totally effing wasted. (Melee starts at 7:00 minute mark.) Second of all, it was originally reported that Megan called Ozzy a "brain-dead rock star," and not, in fact, whatever expletives that were behind the bleeping sound that came out of Megan's mouth. And you know, while I don't know exactly what Megan said; I agree with her 100%. That whole worthless, stinking Osbourne clan has been milking the fame of the family patriarch for how long now under the guise of actual celebrity. At least Megan has the decency to just put on a bikini and say, "Hey, I'm a useless whore! Love me for who I am!" And that, my friends, is something I can respect at the end of the day.

Speaking of which, here's Ozzy Osbourne's most famewhorey offspring at Flaunt magazine's 10th anniversary party last month:

Eulogy: (Noun) A speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, typically someone who has just died.

Katy Perry, candidate for "Most Annoying Asshole of 2008," has broken up with her Gym Class Heroes boyfriend Travis McCoy. The split was confirmed after Travis posted the following lyrics to Main Source's "Looking at the Front Door" last week:

"We fight every night, now that's not kosher. I reminisce with bliss of when we was closer. And wake up to be greeted by an argument again, You act like you're 10...My friends always tell me how I'm lucky to possess the best looking girl in the whole U.S....it seems like just two years back when we were bonded and not pierced, but now I keep itchin' to jet," he wrote. (Source)

My overwhelming hatred of Katy Perry wants my first reaction to be something along the lines of, "This guy was too good for her anyway." But the sad fact of the matter is that Travis McCoy is pretty much best friends with the biggest tool in the world, and also posts songs lyrics to announce a break-up despite not being 15-years-old and in high school. Plus, just look at the guy. So really, the only way he could have been more alike and perfect for Katy Perry is if he were also her long lost fraternal twin. (Incest-alicious!)

More of Katy Perry hosting some New Year's Eve thing dressed like the Webster's dominatrix:

You want your MTV? Well you don't get to fucking have it anymore. Howdya like that? Everybody thank Time Warner. (Pajiba)

Matt Dillon got arrested for doing 106 in a Someplace That Wasn't The Autobahn Zone. (Yeeeah!)

Lily Allen is topless again. Seriously, is that a British thing? Because I should like, move there. How freeing it must be! (The Blemish)

Did somebody say "Johnny Depp's bare ass in 1985?!" Oh, goody!!! (Seriously? OMG!)

What's this? A modicum of respect for that Twilight asshat? NOOO! Fight it, Stacey, Fight it! (Celebitchy)

I remember when I first saw these photos of Ashlee Simpson in a bikini last year I was all, "She's totally not pregnant." Oh, the egg on my face!* (Celebslam)

Scarlett Johansson is the latest starlet to complain about being a sex symbol. (Agent Bedhead)

*Editor's note: What am I doing with my life?

Empty: (Adjective) Containing nothing; not filled or occupied.

Breaking news, everybody! Mariah Carey is not pregnant! I repeat, not pregnant. She was reportedly seen in St. Bart's yesterday wearing a bikini, drinking red wine and eating oysters. Looking back, the only reason I can think of for the rumors starting is that Mariah Carey was wearing more clothes covering her body than usual. But then again, it's also been wintertime. So... Give her a few months and she'll be back to wearing midriff shirts again like they didn't ever go out of style twenty years ago!

More of Mariah in some bizarre Austin Powers get-up at the Grammy nominations concert earlier this month:

Nonprofit: (Adjective) Not making or conducted primarily to make a profit.

Last night "Dexter's" Julie Benz hosted a charity dinner to benefit the U.S. Campaign for Burma. I think it's really great to see celebrities involving themselves in charitable causes like this. So much so, that I suddenly feel inspired to start my own charity: The Julie Benz Hunger Relief Fund. For just dollars a day, you too can sponsor your very own Julie Benz. Your charitable donation will go towards providing Julie Benz with rice, protein and other basic nutrients important for sustaining human life. You'll also get a special opportunity to see a picture of your Julie Benz and even correspond with her! Get involved today!

Sucker: (Noun) A gullible or easily deceived person.

Dane Cook's brother and business manager, Darryl McCauley, has been arrested for allegedly stealing millions of dollars from the douchemedian over the past year and a half.

Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley, who would only confirm that the alleged victim was a nationally known entertainer, says McCauley transferred money from his client's account into his own without permission, at one point forging a $3 million check. (Source)

Jesus. I knew Dane Cook was an dickhole, but what kind of dickhole goes and gets his own flesh and blood arrested? If I were Dane Cook's older brother, I'd punch him in the kidneys until he thanked me for taking that money and then finish up with a rousing game of "Why Are You Hitting Yourself?"

Instinct: (Noun) A natural or intuitive way of acting or thinking.

Paris Hilton arrived in Melbourne, Australia a couple days ago to host a New Year's Eve event, and has already angered locals by spending an "obscene" amount of money -- over $5000 (approximately $140 per minute) at one boutique.

World Vision Australia chief Tim Costello said Hilton's spree would have been enough to feed a Third World village. "In World Vision terms, $5000 would ensure that a village of 2000 people in Africa or Asia would have clean water for the rest of their lives," Mr Costello said.

Open Family social worker Les Twentyman said Hilton's spree was disgraceful. "It is quite obscene spending money like that. Some people are homeless and thousands of people a week are losing their jobs and it is quite obscene in some ways," Mr Twentyman said. (Source)

I guess, in theory I can understand why they're pissed... But this is Paris Hilton we're talking about. What did they expect? The local high-end boutiques not to look as though they had been ravaged by locusts after she leaves town? That's like getting mad at my dog for eating out of the litter box again. The dog knows I'm mad at her for something because I'm yelling, but doesn't understand why. When it comes down to it, they're just dumb animals. They just don't have the kind of highly functioning brains to understand the nuanced concepts of right and wrong.

Forbidden Planet is the next film on the chopping block for a bloated, crappy Hollywood remake. (Pajiba)

If Mariah Carey's tits see their shadow it means six more weeks of winter. (HQ Celeb)

Paris Hilton got some fresh herpes sores for Christmas. The gift that keeps on giving!  (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie's uterus has been shut down by the board of health. (The Blemish)

Miley Cyrus hosts an 80's themed party. Was Miley Cyrus even alive in the 80's? Shut up, Miley. (Seriously? OMG!)

Britney Spears has a "type." Well, dancers, obviously. What, did you think I meant that other thing? (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan marvels at the concept of underpants. (Ayyyy!)

It's like all the moves of Beyonce without any of the bitch craziness. (cityrag)

Lindsay Lohan's psycho dad finally decided to cut the middle man and start his own batshit insane blog. (omg blog)

Threat: (Noun) A person or thing likely to cause damage or danger.

The New York City police force are running scared, and plan to take extra precautions this New Year's Eve. Why, you ask? Because of terrorism? Rioting? Zombies? Nope, because of these three penises.

The New York Police Department - which has heroically handled terrorist attacks, blackouts and riots without a whimper - is being cautious over the "mob scene" that could result when the Jonas Brothers perform in Times Square at Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest on Wednesday night.

According to a source, police officials fessed up to their concerns in a recent meeting with producers of the show. "So they're now planning on using extra [security] men for support," the source says. "It's going to be crazy because everyone will be in Times Square to watch them perform on the show." (Source)

I honestly have no idea what they're so worried about. As far as I know, no one over the age of thirteen listens to The Jonas Brothers -- and how much damage could a bunch of thirteen year old girls possibly do? Unless of course, Godzilla is actually still only thirteen in prehistoric mutant reptile years... In which case I'd say, "Houston, we have a problem."

Anniversorry: (Noun) The date on which a sad event took place in a previous year.

Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley celebrated their first wedding anniversary at Matushisa in West Hollywood earlier this week, and can I just say that I still do not get this? It's like looking at pictures of a guy cuddling with a poisonous cobra or a giant spider or something. Yeeeesch. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that Katherine Heigl is some kind of evil witch who is keeping Josh Kelley's balls hidden away in an enchanted crystal vessel in a castle somewhere.

Jackpot: (Noun) A large cash prize in a game or lottery.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson, both 18, welcomed their son this weekend, the 7 lb., 7 oz. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston; and already reports are coming in that the two could earn up to $300 grand for exclusive photos of the little bastard.

According to one source, bidding for the baby photos began at $100,000. People won out in the end, but In Touch was the only other weekly to make serious bids, according to several sources involved in the process.

“The bidding started well before the baby was born, but once Levi’s mom was arrested — well, then you had a story,” says one editor. (Source)

Well, on the upside, that money could be used to start a nice college fund... For Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. Hahahaha. Oh, I kid; I kid. Like those two would ever actually go to college.